NEW YORK, April 29, 2011 (NYDN) – Parental alienation can be one of the most painful consequences of divorce for the whole family. Learn how to spot the warning signs and take steps to help your children enjoy a positive relationship with both their parents.
Parental alienation is most likely to occur in high conflict divorces where the child forms an alliance with one parent and suffers a breakdown in their relationship with the other parent. Warning signs include spending less time with the rejected parent and regarding them with hostility. Of course, a relationship can deteriorate for many reasons so everyone needs to look at the big picture.
If you’re a responsible parent who occasionally fails to speak of your ex-spouse with sufficient enthusiasm, your conduct probably isn’t going to have much negative impact. But if you’re deliberately or unconsciously engaged in a pattern of displaying intense anger and anxiety and limiting the time your child gets to spend with their other parent, you could be doing grave harm.
Problematic behavior often includes making exaggerated and irrational complaints about your ex-spouse that your child may come to share and imitate. On the other hand, there could be other factors at play in a strained relationship if your partner was relatively uninvolved in their child’s life even before the divorce or if any form of sexual, physical or mental abuse has occurred.
Parents can do many things to help their kids adjust to divorce. Try to maintain lots of positive contact among your child and both parents, speak well of each other, and strive to communicate openly and respectfully about parenting issues while working to accommodate each others schedules and preferences. Avoid using your child to collect information about your ex-spouse or giving them too much information about your marital problems.
If you and your ex need assistance to sort things out, there are resources that can help. Seek intervention as quickly as possible because it’s difficult to reverse the damage from parental alienation once it starts to fester. If you sense you’re in danger of becoming a rejected parent, try to remain calm and work with your attorney to continue your parenting time. If you feel like you’re being falsely accused of abuse, request supervised visits rather than letting all contact lapse. Keep a log of your activities including any instances where the other parent interferes with your court ordered visitation. Family therapy may be helpful whether you and your ex can agree to it on your own or need to get a court order requiring it.
Even in the most difficult circumstances, attorneys, mental health professionals and courts may be able to play a constructive role. Attorneys and therapists can provide an objective perspective and encourage their clients to recognize the long term benefits of helping children remain close to both their parents. If needed, courts can appoint a Guardian Ad Litem. These volunteers work to protect the rights and advocate the best interests of children in court proceedings including monitoring compliance with court orders and reporting to the court.
Preventing parental alienation is much more effective than trying to overcome its effects. Help your children stay connected with both their parents even if you need the assistance of your divorce attorney and other professionals to keep your family healthy.